stormy--'s Diaryland Diary

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The Day I Admit Some Stuff


I can’t believe it’s the end of June already. The months are flying by, summer has started, and exactly six months from today is Christmas Eve. (Let me be the first to say, Happy Holidays everyone!) Why does it seem as if the older you get the faster time seems to move?

It’s been a hell of a couple of months. Heck, it’s been a hell of a 2021. Granted, it hasn’t been as bad as 2020, but it’s still up there. If I had to review this year so far I would have to say it has been a very busy six months, a lot has changed, and I think even I have changed from who I was two years ago or even a year ago. Is that a good thing? Hmm…. I think that’s a question only future me can answer. But change is inevitable, and I like to think the person I am and will continue to become is a good thing.

Man, rereading what I just wrote, I can hear an almost melancholy tone hiding behind my words. But the thing is I’m not sad. Well, maybe over a few things. But overall I’m quite happy. Really. I think I’m the happiest that I’ve been in a very long time.

Having said that, it’s probably going to seem odd when I say that Alex and I are no longer seeing each other. It was early May when we called things off. It was right after I got Barkley that Alex admitted that he had been talking to an ex-girlfriend (actually an ex-fiancé) and that they even met a couple of times. Apparently she wanted him back. Alex was so apologetic and said that he had cut off all contact and made promises that nothing like that would ever happen again. I told him that if he still had any kind of feelings for his ex then he should pursue it. But, in any case, I didn’t want to continue seeing him. What may sound shocking is that it wasn’t because he did anything wrong that I didn’t want to keep seeing him. Mostly it was because for the past five months I’ve been having what one could call an “emotional affair” with someone who lives in my building in the city.

Yeah. Bet you didn’t see that one coming.

We met on the elevator in our building. He’s the kind of guy that when you first see him you instinctively take a step back. At least, that’s what I did. And when we got onto the elevator together to go up (it was only him and I), I even contemplated pretending to forget something, walking out the building, and then coming back in so we didn’t have to ride up together (I didn’t though). Based on first appearances, he looked quite intimidating. And the way he stood - wide stance with his arms crossed over his chest - and the perpetual scowl that seemed to always be on his face didn’t help either.

It seemed like we would always run into each other on the elevator - both of us going up (he lives two floors below me) or him getting on when I was going down. At first he wasn’t a chatty guy at all, but I continued saying “Hello” whenever I saw him. It was only after a few weeks of being friendly that I finally got my first smile from him. Rain was pouring down and it was a cold rain too. I was coming home from work late and made a run for it from the taxi to my building. He ran inside behind me because he was actually out running in the rain. At the elevator I just stared at him as he stood there completely soaked and dripping water everywhere (not a bad look on him at all - just FYI) and blurted out, “You even run in this cold rain? Are you like some sort of superhero in disguise trying to keep physically fit?” That’s when he smiled and that’s when everything started.

Being friendly suddenly morphed into elevator banter and elevator banter morphed into us sharing quite a bit about ourselves with each other. Seeing him on the elevator became the one thing that I looked forward to every day. Not talking with Alex or chatting up my sister. It was him. Even on weekends when I was supposed to drive back home, I would find some silly work excuse as a reason to stay.

My elevator man has even gotten me out running. Yes, me! Running!! Can you believe it?!!! I think at first it was more like a dare than anything else, and I think I surprised him when I was like, “challenge accepted”. And now with his patience, encouragement, and the one time he had to give me a piggyback ride home because I felt like I was dying (and proclaimed it rather loudly for the whole world to hear), I can now run over 1.5 miles at a very good pace (I'm not sure exactly what that pace is off hand) without having to stop or begging for death. I can’t say that I love running. But I think I do like the challenge in it and I really like the endorphin high I feel after I’m done. (The sore muscles, body aches, and blisters I can do without though!)

For months I’ve struggled with all of this. I always felt like I was doing something wrong talking with him, running with him, eating with him (he’s a health nut - don’t get me started!)…. Even when he would pet Barkley I would feel a pang of guilt and like I was doing something really wrong. And I think maybe that’s because I was. It’s no excuse that Alex and I really never had a chance to get started. But, for most of the time that we were together we were just friends and nothing else. It changed a little bit with kisses and cuddles and a few other things. We were far from chaste when we were together but we never “went the distance” if you get my meaning. I mean - me always working and being in the city, him working, and then that one time when things could have progressed but then I pretended to be asleep - didn’t exactly allow us the opportunity to really get there.

Even though I did find Alex to be very attractive and funny and I enjoyed spending time with him, I think the spark was missing between us. Two weeks after Alex and I ended things my elevator man kissed me (while we were actually in the elevator too). There were definite sparks. So much so that if he wasn’t holding me up I probably would have been a heap on the floor. And then last weekend he spent the entire weekend with me (and Barkley) in my apartment. Yeah… I think it's definitely safe to say there are massive sparks between us.

I guess the part I feel sad about is losing Alex as my friend. He says he wants us to stay friends, but you know how those things go. He even just recently texted me and said that his offer still stands if I ever need help with someone taking care of Barkley. He’s a good guy who has shown me nothing but patience and understanding. I want him to be happy and find someone who can give him everything that he deserves. A small part of me wishes that I could be that person, but I’m just not. Even if I never met my elevator man I don’t think Alex and I had a future together. Sad but true.

I think there was a movie line in the movie “Eat Pray Love” that went something like, “Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it.” This is me sending Alex some love and light. I really hope he feels it.

*

8:18 p.m. - 2021-06-24

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